Feminism is becoming irrelevant

I remember the first time I learned what feminism was. My mother, a strong, capable woman who has always believed that women can do anything, told me it was the name for people who believed in women, believed that they could accomplish anything and be great. I was in love. I loved the word. I loved the meaning. I decided I was a feminist.

Twenty-ish years later, neither I nor my mom claim that title. If you are going for the actual definition of what feminism really means, then yes, I identify with it. I support the equality of women in all aspects of life whole-heartedly. I will support them shouting from the rooftops. But that isn't what feminism really is anymore. At least not in popular culture.

See if this conversation sounds familiar to you. It happens all the time in my dance classes.

Me: "Maddie, that was such a wonderful turn! I can tell you really worked hard for that one. Nice work!"

Penelope: "But teacher! (Whining sound) What about me? I did a good job too!"

In almost every class I've had, there is a Penelope who seems to think that any attention given to anyone else affects her directly. If I give a general correction ("A lot of us weren't pointing our toes that time, so let's work on that next time"), she takes it as a personal insult and demands that I retract it ("But I was pointing my toes! Didn't you see!"). The same goes for compliments. Penelope seems to think that if anything good happens to anyone else it takes away her right to be noticed and to do well.

I usually like Penelope, but I feel bad for her because her fundamental life view seems to do her more harm than good, and I hope she will grow out of it. Assuming that other's accomplishments reflect poorly on you is not going to make life easier or happier for you. Neither is denying any criticism or responsibility.

Feminism could be noble and great. It could have continued on the path it started on in the 17th century when women wanted the right to have jobs and property. And when later, women wanted the right to vote, and they got it! Those were true triumphs for equality.

Today,  most prominent feminists (At least the ones that I read about) seem to have the same attitude as little Penelope. They see successful men and feel jealous. They seem to think that if a man has success, it must mean that a woman doesn't. They don't seem to get that there isn't a limited amount of success and that men and women can both have it. They usually aren't fighting for equality, they are fighting for superiority.

Women aren't writing articles and conducting studies about how many women work in construction or work in fast food restaurants, but they sure do make a lot of fuss about how many women CEOs there are. They don't care if women are equally represented in the workforce; they only care if women are represented in the cushiest, most prominent jobs in the workforce.

They don't take into account that some women want to be mothers and that there are more men in the work force because of this. They see successful men and think that women should have the same exact opportunities in equal numbers, regardless of the fact that women bear children and take maternity leave or choose to leave the work force altogether.

I recently read an article titled "I'm Tired of the Overqualified Girl Sidekick." The article complains that amazing, strong female characters are relegated to number two in too many books and movies. The author uses Hermione Granger as her most prominent example, saying that if Hermione had been the main character, "Voldemort probably would have been dead halfway through Sorcerer’s Stone."

The problem is that no one likes a perfect main character, and so the sidekick nearly always outshines them. There are a lot of examples of "overqualified girl sidekicks," but there are just as many bright and shining guy sidekicks as well.

Take Hunger Games, Gale and Peeta are great. They are skilled, kind, and interesting. Also, on a side note, the male population has been very generous with this book. They haven't been complaining much about the unfair representation of trodden down men while Katniss tries to decide between two men. She kisses both of them, leads them both on, and basically makes them miserable while they sit and wait for her to decide because she is worth it. If the roles were reversed, the lead male character would have been called a villain,  a man who toys with women. But since Katniss is a girl, it's okay for her to mess with guys' heads. She is just confused. (I feel like I need to make a disclaimer that I actually LOVE these books.)

But I'll return to the main topic.

There are plenty of other examples. Triss gets the lead in Divergent, but Four is totally "overqualified" to be her "guy sidekick." If you want to talk about Twilight, every character in the book besides Bella is "overqualified" to be a secondary character. I would take sparkles over her every time. Schmidt in New Girl, is definitely a better personality than Jess. I probably wouldn't watch the show if he wasn't on it. The Fault in Our Stars is another perfect example of a movie with a guy sidekick who is probably more likable, and just as qualified to be in the star-seat, as the main character.

My point is, I don't think that women are suffering all that much from discrimination. I'm not saying that equality isn't a problem. There ARE still chauvinists out there who make me every bit as mad as the feminists who want to be superior to men. Our society is full of marketing and media that objectifies women. There are crazy, harmful stereotypes about women. But men are assigned malignant stereotypes as well.  Men are expected to meet what are sometimes impossible standards of manliness. Muscly men are objectified in ads and all over the world of Pinterest. If you don't believe me, go check it out.  So many guys with their shirts off.

I don't experience what every other woman does every day, but from my point of view, things are great. Women are respected. Women are well represented as great characters, both as stars and as sidekicks, all throughout the entertainment industry.  Women have access to good jobs and careers. And to make up for any discrimination, women also "benefit" from affirmative action. (You may have detected my sarcasm there. I don't support it. I think affirmative action is harmful and patronizing. But that's off topic.) Just because a guy gets the lead role sometimes, doesn't mean that women are worth any less.

Men need someone to stand up for them. So do women. But having a childish, jealous attitude that aims to take other's successes away from them will do nothing. As long as feminism focuses on taking the glamorous positions that men hold, it will not be a successful or an honorable movement. As long as feminism seeks to take unfair rights and deny the rights of men, I will not support it. As long as feminism aims for women to be identical to men and not equal yet different, it will be irrelevant. Because a movement based on childish motives isn't going to get any traction.

Everyone has their problems. Guys too. So instead of being a feminist (as much as I would like to identify with the term), I am just going to be a person that fights to make things equal and fair for both women and for men. Instead of tearing each other down and building barriers between genders, let's all just be on the same side and try to help each other gain more equality and fair treatment together.

Why I am sick of "skinny"

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Is anyone else as sick of seeing this sentence as I am? I mean, come on. Everyone who has ever been on the internet has seen plenty of articles about body image and the media's obsession with impossible standards of beauty (which, admittedly, is a problem), but come on! Why aren't we complaining about the regular women of pinterest's obsession with pictures of ridiculously skinny women, or phrases like "I don't want beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep!" and "Women don't want a perfect man, they want to eat anything without getting fat!" The media is a problem, but they aren't ever going to stop until all of the regular people do.

Now,  I know that pinterest fitness pictures are mostly real women who haven't been photoshopped, but my problem is that all of the focus is on the image. There are much better reasons to desire to be healthy than "I saw a picture of a hot chick on pinterest and I want abs like that." Especially when a lot of the focus on looks means crazy crash diets that basically starve your system, cleanses that make your body go into starvation mode, and fads like wrapping.

"I am going to saran wrap my entire body to deprive it of essential H2O so that I can lose some water weight, only to have it come back in two days."

Wonderful idea.

The reason I hate this whole skinny obsession, is that it really has nothing to do with health, and only damages many healthy people's body images. Also, SKINNY FAT. Why in the world do we make up these phrases? First, we pressure women to be skinny, and then we tell them that they are still fat, just skinny (I'm still not sure how that one works). What in the world is going on?

I have a slender build. I always have. In fact, when I was younger I was almost embarrassed by how thin I was. But, I shouldn't have been. I was healthy and active. The only reason I was ever uncomfortable was because of the comments I got from other people. I still remember my girl scout leader telling me, (when I was ten!) that I was way too skinny and I need to eat some hamburgers and ice cream or something. Great. Wonderful, healthy advice. Thanks for that. My best friend's dad told me that I was skinnier than her and argued with her about it when she got upset, as if it should be a competition between two healthy eleven year olds to see who is thinner.

I guess my point is that being skinny shouldn't be such a focus. And image should not be the only reason that we motivate ourselves to be healthy. If it is, I can only see body image continuing as a problem and unhealthy obesity rates continuing, because I don't see a whole lot of people gaining the motivation to be healthy based solely on wanting abs.

I think there are better reasons to eat a balanced diet and to exercise. 

But first, I won't pretend that vanity doesn't play into it. I work out because I want to look good and feel good about the way I look. However, if that was the only reason I went to the gym, I probably wouldn't have the motivation to keep going.

I work out because I want to be strong. I am a small, thin woman. I have to go places by myself. I live in a safe place, but that doesn't meant I won't ever be in trouble. Now, I know that no matter how hard I work, a man who works the same amount will be stronger that me. But I also know that if it seems like I can and will fight back, I have a much better chance of defending myself and maybe my future family. I want to feel confident that if my husband isn't around, I can protect myself, and maybe even open a jar by myself.

I work out and eat the way I do because I want my body to be healthy. I want to be able to walk and run and play with kids and do the things I love when I'm sixty, seventy, heck, maybe even eighty or ninety! I know a lot of older people who have had serious health problems that they couldn't have prevented. I also know a ton who have problems that could easily have been prevented if they changed their diets and exercised when they were my age.

I want to build strong muscles that can support my bones so that I am less likely to be injured and that when I am older my spine can still be tall and straight because it has the strength and the support it needs.

I just love the way I feel when I am treating my body well. I love having energy and being able to do the things I need to all of the time. I love never being sick and being able to do crazy stuff like walk to the bottom of the grand canyon and back in ten hours with no training.

I love feeling good about my body because it feels healthy, not because it looks like some picture of a stranger online or because people tell me it is acceptable.

I love knowing that my body can do what it is supposed to and that I have helped make it that way.

I want my sisters and my daughters to grow up in a home, and hopefully a culture, that values health as much as it values beauty. So let's talk about being healthy for it's own sake and give up the skinny pictures of women on pinterest. Let's sleep because it's healthy. Not because it will make us skinny or beautiful. And let's eat foods that taste awesome because we want to be healthy. I think healthy feels better than anything tastes. And chocolate can totally be part of a healthy diet.

A little bit of pageant love

"I would never let my daughter do a pageant."

... was the quote that inspired this blog post. I have heard people say those words more than once, but when I ask why, their opinions come from shows like Toddlers in Tiaras, YouTube videos of poorly answered interview questions, or else Miss Congeniality, which are entertaining, but not the most reliable sources for information. If you have ever actually been to a pageant, you will have a better idea of what they really are, but I think the only way to really understand is to participate as a contestant, a committee member, or a parent. Most of the pageants I participated in required workshops, service opportunities, and hours spent trying to make myself a better person.

 The sad thing is that most people don't get to see pageants from that perspective. They only see the sparkles, high heels, and stage make-up.

Pageants have been a big part of my life since I was seventeen. I participated in a few, and ever since, I have joined committees so that I could continue to participate in that world and help other girls have the opportunities that I did.

Why would I do that?

Because they changed my life and they are awesome. (Cheesy? Maybe. But true.)

So, here I am defending pageants, because I think they are a wonderful opportunity for young women.

Pageants aren't about a girl in a pretty dress walking around on a big stage under bright lights.

Pageants at their best are about high caliber young women who have worked hard to develop important skills; ladies who are competing and presenting the beautiful women they have become.

For clarification:  There are multiple lines of pageants, but there are only two that I really know anything about and these are the ones that I am talking about. The first is the Miss America Organization and the second is the Distinguished Young Women program. DISCLAIMER: The DYW program is not a pageant; it is a scholarship program, but, for the purposes of this post, I am going to treat it as a pageant because my experiences with them have been very similar.

The Miss America pageants have five portions:

Interview
On-stage Question
Fitness
Talent
Evening Wear

 One of my favorite parts about this organization is their focus on service. MAO has a national platform which helps to support the Children's Miracle Network. In order to participate, contestants must raise money to help that organization, which I loved since I knew that would benefit the Primary Children's Hospital, which is close to where I live. On top of supporting CMN, contestants must choose their own service platform and work on it both as a contestant and as a title-holder.

The DYW Program has similar portions:

Interview
Fitness
Talent
Evening Wear/ On-stage Question
Academic

While most pageants host a swim wear competition for fitness, DYW actually has the girls do a fitness routine on stage that last about 8 minutes and includes push-ups, sit-ups, boxing, dancing, and lots of cardio. One of the most distinguishing features about DYW is the academic portion. It is the only pageant I know of that rates girls on their grades and test scores, which is kind of cool. Beautiful women can be smart too! They focus on the Be Your Best Self program, which has five areas: be healthy, be responsible, be involved, be studious, and be ambitious. Only high school seniors are eligible to participate in this program.

I LOVE these pageant lines. Their focus on service, talent, and, in DYW's case, fitness, puts them a step apart from other organizations and earns them the right to pull away from the "beauty pageant" stereotype.

 These pageants are scholarship pageants. I don't think I would ever do a pageant if they didn't either give out scholarship money or provide service opportunities.  They provide opportunities for women to gain an education and to become better, and they focus on the quality of the person, their dedication to making a difference in the world, more than if they have a pretty face or a hot body.

Before I start talking about all the reasons that I think pageants are the greatest things ever (You probably thought I had already started, huh?), I will admit that there ARE downsides to pageants. However, most of them are things that I would call "personal problems" and are not the organization's fault. Because of people's perceptions of pageants, I think that every once in a while it can be hard to remember that they are not "beauty pageants." There was a point when I was doing them when I realized that I was focusing on all the wrong things. I spent so much time reading articles about make up, hair, and style. I took forever getting ready and my focus was overwhelmingly on what I looked like. Luckily that period didn't last very long and I realized that my priorities were screwed up. I remembered why I was doing pageants: to make myself better. This is why I say that it is more of a personal thing. Nothing about the organization emphasized beauty above all else, I just got caught in a trap of comparing myself to others and had to re-prioritize.

Here are the reasons that I would NEVER steal the opportunity from my daughters:

Participating in pageants really helped me to develop my sense of self. It wasn't easy for me as an eighteen year old girl to go on stage and give my honest opinion about controversial topics. I knew that at least one of the judges would probably have a different opinion than me, and no matter how impartial the judges tried to be, it was possible that I would offend one of them. I had to discover what my real opinions were about things, and learn to say them in polite, but straightforward ways.  I think that that made me a better citizen because I know more about politics and issues than I would have otherwise. Because I really searched to decide what I thought was right about certain issues, I feel more confident when I am looking at politicians and deciding who to vote for. I also had to spend a lot of time at city council meeting and city events and I gained a true appreciation for the fulfillment that comes from being involved in a community.

Helping at a city Easter egg hunt!

Because I was trying to present my best self, I had to figure out who my best self was. What kind of person I was. What I wanted in life. I thought about the way I wanted the judges to see me and why I should even be the one they picked. Why would I do a good job in this position? I learned so many things about myself, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to show people the "real me" otherwise.

This guy is one of the other things in my life that made me who I am today. 

Teenage and young adult years are such an important time in life. There is so much pressure to figure out the things that you want to do with your life. You start forming the patterns and habits that will drive the rest of your life. Pageants provided a platform for me to focus on the kind of person that I wanted to be, my career goals, and educational goals. I had a lot of opportunities to perform and develop my talents that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Best friends.

I made some of the best friends EVER. When I realized that I would be competing with one of my best friends, I was initially nervous that it would hurt our friendship. That one, or both, of us would become too competitive and it would tear us apart. But it didn't. Chloe and I are still best friends, and now when I volunteer to help at pageants, she is usually there too. Instead of tearing us apart it made us closer because we worked on becoming better and learning together. Movies like to portray pageants as cat-fights with girls who hate each other and sabotage each other to win. I have never seen anything further from the truth; I still have some wonderful friends that I never would have met if I hadn't worked towards a common goal with them.

On top of learning about who I was and becoming my personal best, pageants taught me some great life skills. I have no fear going into interviews because I have spent HOURS practicing how to interview. I video-taped myself and realized that I talked with my hands WAY too much. I had mock interviews where fake interviewers told me my strengths and my weaknesses and how I could make a better more memorable impression. I don't think I would have had those opportunities otherwise. It is also easier interviewing with one or two people after you have practiced many, many times with five or six.

Some people, or most people, may disagree, but walking in heels is totally an important skill. There are some times when you just need to run, and you just might be wearing heels during some of them! Lets get real, if you can pivot in heels, you can do just about anything. Next time there is an emergency and I am in heels (or I am at my sister-in-law's wedding which has a gravel walkway) I will be glad that I can sprint, balance, or do whatever else, while still rocking those babies.

Dancing is my favorite. I would do pageants until I died just for the dance opportunities.

On top of all of that, I had so many opportunities to speak in public, and my favorite part was that I was able to perform ballet routines so often!

Pageants helped me to become a better citizen, community member, friend, speaker, dancer, interviewer, job candidate, and many other things. The most important thing was that they helped me become a more confident and a better person. In the words of a great song, "I know who I am, I know where I stand," and pageants were a huge part of helping me get to that place.

I know this was long, but what I was really trying to say is: everyone should join their local program!

Check them out!

www.ajm.org

www.missamerica.org

10 things I learned teaching ballet

So.... drum roll please... for the first time in my life today someone called me mom. It was weird. But also cute. A little girl in my dance class looked at me and said, "She is touching my foot, mom!" I just let it slide and told them to keep their seven hundred and eighty two limbs to themselves, but it was cute and I marked it down on my list of firsts.

I love my students to death, I learn so much for them and there is something that is seriously satisfying (alliteration much?) about seeing people learn and progress because of what you have taught them. I wrote a list version of some of the more whimsical things that I have learned from my teaching experience:

1. Coordination doesn't (usually) come naturally.

Have you ever seen a four year old try to jump on one foot? Or even two? Yup. It is something that is learned the hard way, complete with falls, bruises, and the occasional tear. Because of this I am very grateful for whatever experiences allowed me to grow into a fully grown, well- coordinated body.

2. Being aware of your audience is always important.

One day one of my Four-Year Old's came up to me (And her mother was within earshot mind you) and said “Teacher, guess what? I have a fat momma.”

3. If you aren't sure of the reason for something, jump to the most obvious conclusion.

Upon hearing that I was getting married soon I had the following conversation with a student named Emily.

“Why are you getting married?”

“Because I love him!”

“Oh...okay”

Then five minutes later, after looking quite thoughtful, the second question exploded out.

“Are you getting married because you are having a baby?”

“No, I am not having a baby, I just really like him!”

“So you are NEVER having kids?”

4. There is a fine line between a fact and an insult.

Although this correlates with number 2 I feel that another instance demonstrates it better. “Maddy just said that my hair makes me look like a grandma!” Exploded Kylie who has naturally white blonde hair. Maddy insisted she didn't mean to be rude; and I made sure that Kylie knew that a lot of people pay a lot of money to get those platinum blonde locks.

5. When in doubt of what to say, always go for shock value.

I ask all of my students where their butterfly is flying to when we do the butterfly stretch. (That awkward stretch, that isn't really a stretch where you “flap” your knees like a crazy person). Every day Allie responds with the same answer: “In…. my boogers….” She whispers, and then everyone else giggles like she just said something very funny, but very naughty.

6. If you can't think of anything with shock value, just go for something impossible

“My butterfly is going to all of the planets in the whole world.” or “My butterfly is going... nowhere!”

7. Hard work and practice isn't always the key to success

“Teacher, do you know how I learn to be more flexible?”

“No I don't! How do you do it?”

“I just watch flexible people!”

8. Washing you hands is important to protect yourself from germs. Even if they are your own.

Allie, the same girl who wants her butterfly up her nose every week, came up to me and asked if she could have some hand sanitizer. She then felt the need to explain how her hands had gotten dirty: “I sucked my thumb.”, she said, and then walked off to join her amigos.

9. Hamstrung is a medical term for when your hamstring hurts.
   
   
10. If you find out you get a prize when it is your birthday, you should definitely pretend that it is your birthday, even if you don't know what day your birthday actually  is to tell your teacher. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

Iridescence?

Whelp. I finally decided to start a blog.

And now anyone reading this is thinking "Obviously, I am reading it right now."

Oh well.

I feel like I am obligated to explain why I suddenly had the desire to create a blog (Which doesn't make any sense. It isn't like someone is going to force an explanation out of me), but truthfully I don't really know.  Maybe it was partially because my new Creative Writing class has made me want to express myself more. Maybe it is because I suck at writing in my journal and can use this as a sort of substitute.... BUT it is probably mostly just because it sounded like fun.

So here I am!

Iridescence. I really, really, really like that word. It means luminosity. Or anything of iridescent quality; a play of lustrous, changing colors. Iridescent is what I want my life to be: full of light and color.

It makes me think of warm sunny days, when the sun is playing on my face. It makes me think of the beautiful light that comes through a prism. The way the sun shines through the trees. It makes me think of playing on the salt flats with Josh. Iridescence. Anything that is warm and light inside of me, all of the good feelings I can think of, seem to connect with this word. 

So I picked it.